The Church of the Heavenly Wood presents the Lessons of Wood
A continuing series of teachings designed to educate people on Woodism

Lessons 10 through 12
LESSON 10: the evil empire

A scathing review of the evil, ignorant Christian money machine disguised as the Lord's work!

Written March 1999

The Trinity Broadcasting Network, otherwise known as That annoying 24 hour God network that you can barely pick up on UHF was founded in 1973 by religious zealots Paul and Jan "Too Much Makeup" Crouch. They call their bizzare barrage of blind, continuous Christian preaching "the world's largest Christian television network in the world" which isn't as amazing a feat as they'd have you think since they have no competition.

The TBN network spouts radical, mindless, one-sided, blind Christian beliefs 24 hours a day in over 530 broadcast stations all across the globe. Many people in this world take comfort in it and find it to be a comforting spiritual guide. The Church of Ed Wood, however, sees through their lies and announces to anyone with open ears and an open heart and without fear or shame that the Trinity Broadcasting Network is nothing but a scam to scare you into believing Christianity (or their VERSION of Christianity) and to buy over-priced crappy products.

In an effort to bring some small semblance of peace between religions and religious beliefs, Woodism and The Church of the Heavenly Wood has always struggled to maintain respect among other, more reputable, religions of the world. As such, we do not nor have EVER condoned poking fun of or demeaning in any way the beliefs of any other religion. We pride ourselves on being kind to those of other beliefs.

However, the Trinity Broadcasting Network represents everything this religion has been created to fight against: conscience use of religious guilt to achieve a set goal, religious exceptionalism used to acquire wealth and power, and flat out lies under the name of God. The Trinity broadcasting Network is a 24-hour religious shopping network, nothing more, and what they're selling is a foolhardy, careless, b.s. version of Jesus Christ.

As much as this might offend, this NEEDS to be addressed.

Even when I was a devout Catholic, I was sickened by the blasphemy and money hungry tactisc of TBN. Seeing Paul and Jan sitting on gold chairs wearing the finest clothes while saying how much they need my donations because they're "on the brink of financial collapse" disgusted me beyond all belief. They sit on their thrones and preach for God and Jesus and righteousness, all the while feeding their own lusts for money and power. They claim that God loved and forgives everyone while threatening abortion doctors and casting homosexuals to hell and blaiming all of society's ills on "those who go against our mission of peace."

This is a scam. There isn't some sort of politically correct way to put it. This television station and all the things they show and preach and promote are nothing more than flimsy scams. What is disgusting is not that they do this but that there are people out there that believe them.

They are scam artists disguised as preachers of the word of God. Doesn't anyone else see that? Nobody needs money to preach God's messages. Does God have a 1-900 number or something? They claim they need money to preach God's words while sitting on mountains of wealth. For their sake, I HOPE God DOES forgive everyone.

I have been watching the Trinity Broadcasting Network regularly for four years now. However, for the past year, I've been taking notes on the madness. I have derived a thesis: the Trinity Broadcasting Network is evil. Within this lesson, I hope to prove this.


Robert Larson is a Denver-based minister with a nationally sindicated radio show called "Talk Back with Bob Larson" and one of the fakest looking beards in all of mankind. He is also a staple of the Trinity Broadcasting Network family with his own weekly television show. Every week, he talks about his power to exorcise demons, have God and Jesus Christ talk THROUGH him, ramble on about his crazy Christian theiroes which usually have to deal with either aliens or satan.

But all of this is just a flimsy smoke screen to get to the REAL meat of the program, which is selling his various books and tapes and videos and other assorted merchandise and, if he bothers to get around to it, preach the word of God.

The sad thing is not that men like Larson exist. The truly sad thing is the there are men and women out there in America that actually believe this two bit hustler.

Larson loves to rant on about the evils of rock music, rap music, techno music, aliens, satan, witches, ritual satanic abuse, demonic posession, homosexuals, teenagers, body piercing, and regularly calls other Christians "wimps" for not tackling the subjects he regularly jerks off with.

First off, anyone who disagrees with homosexuality is a blinded, one-sided idiot that needs to get out from under the rock that they've been living in. Secondly, anyone who extolls the evils of "ROCK MUSIC" is hopelessly trapped in the Regan era and probably still foolishly believe that Judas priest is an evil satanic band as opposed to what they really are - old men who need to hurry up and die. Larson is so far behind that he's probably now thinking that M.C. Hammer's loose pants are evil.

Larson is trapped in a conservative Christian pop culture past and spends most of his time preaching against things that most modern American boys and girls and teenagers have long since stopped caring about. He needs to wake up, drink some coffee, and try to wedge his head out of his retarded Christian ass.

This man is more than stupid. This man is evil.

How could any right minded, altogether, free thinking person living in THIS CENTURY even come close to believing the uneducated crap he preaches? How could anyone who hasn't spent fifty years living in a ditch in Autsralia even think that for one second what he says is the will of God, because I guarantee you that anything Larson says that even comes CLOSE to being the will of God is sheer luck. Larson cares more about selling his merchandise and hiding the sorrid truth about his past than preaching Christianity.

In 1997, Bob actually devoted an entire episode of his show to demonic posession of children, saying that the child-oriented books called "GOOSEBUMPS" were actually "gateways to Satan" written by "anti-Christian thieves." A redneck-voiced woman called up to say that she caught her son reading a Goosebumps book about werewolves. She said that at night she would catch her son reading the book and then howling. Larson INSISTED that she have her son be severely exorcised immediately, then proceeded to sell her his $49.95 book that combats Satan.

But of course, Bob Larson's fifty dollar book ISN'T a gateway to Satan.

"I could not do what I do without knowing that there are people out there praying for me and FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING me. Your donations help me fight evil."

-Bob Larson on "Talk Back"

Larson's favorite pasttime on his show is to preach God's messages to him, which come in the form of bizzare conspiracy theories packages in $29.95 books. His newest theory is that aliens DO exist and, what's worse, they answer to Satan. These satanic aliens are poised on the edge of the galaxy, ready to turn this planet into a Satan-fest. There are ways to stop these evil aliens, however, and you can't learn HOW until you log on to one of his many Bob Larson merchandise web pages and shell out $29.95 for his new book. Apparently, Bob's plan SEEMS TO BE to collect as much money as possible and, I assume, give it to these evil, nasty satanic aliens in the hopes that they go spend it at some satanic alien bar somewhere.

Another ignorant theory he once had was that the founding fathers of America fully intended for the United States to be an entirely Christian nation and that, by worshipping a religion OTHER than Christianity, you would be going against the wills of BOTH God AND the nation. A listener fluent in politics called in and read a few passages from Thomas Jefferson's memoirs. One specific passage he read (WRITTEN BY JEFFERSON HIMSELF) explained that the first ammendment was created to prevent any religious body to control matters of politics. Larson called the passage "anti-Christian propaganda written by an anti-Christian author" and quickly hung up on the caller. Larson quickly changed the subject to his new $19.95 video, trying to forget the fact that he just shot down his OWN theory.

This does not surprise me, a Christian preacher more interested in making money and silencing the minds of the people than listening to them. That is, in effect, what the Trinity Broadcasting Network is all about. Just last week, Bob Larson PLEADED to his listenerd that if they wanted God to win over Satan, they'd use LIFELINE, the Christian phone service. If this kind of crass commercialism was used in politics, the nation wouild rise up against such a disgusting thing. But since Larson and TBN hides their commercialism behind Jesus Christ and Christian beliefs, nobody seems to matter.

Lately, Larson is thriving, thanks to the people at TBN. His official web page is dedicated ONLY to selling his books, casettes, and videos. Larson, always the zealot, claims that he makes a yearly salary of $69,000 even though it has been proven in court that during 1991-1993 Larson made over $1,200,000. This figure does NOT include the $1,000,000 he TOOK from the TBN DONATIONS to buy a new mansion in Vail, Colorado.

And yet, through all his sins, all his lies, all his deceit, Bob Larson thrives, thanks to the countless number of blind sheep in this world who would follow anyone who says "I speak of God." Somehow, even though he has raped God for his own twisted goals, he manages to have fans.

How could people, even those retarded twisted idiotic southern wackos down near the bible belt, how could ANYONE look at his evil, stupid miney-grabbing bullshit and see him for some fort of messenger from God?

Have people been blindly following Christianity for so long that if anyone coles along and says "I speek to god so buy my worthless crap" that people will flock to him without even using their brains? That's just sad and pathetic and Bob Larson should be ashamed of himself. Bob Larson's crusade to demonize Bill Clinton for his extramarital affair was legendary - and apparently, Larson has forgotten his ex-wife, who divorced him only a few years ago because he slept with a Lutheran minister.

I am not anti-Christian, as Larson would have you believe. I am, however, pro-God, which is why I say again that Bob Larson is an evil man.


Hal Lindsey and Cliff Ford host a faux news show on TBN every Thursday called the "International Intelligence Briefing." Once a week, these two self-appointed prophets use the inherant fears of mankind to sell their books. It is a disgusting show full of lies, half-truths, and Christian fear tactics specifically meant to scare you into buying their merchandise.

In the most shocking, most blasphemous, most disgusting tactic ever used by the demons at TBN, the International Intelligence Briefing weekly reports the worst news from the past week and ties it in with "end of the world" second coming Bible prophecy. It uses fear tactics to force you to buy their books, videos, and repent to the ways of Christianity.

This show and the two men that host it are evil.

Here are some examples of their weekly bastardizing of world news and the Bible, reworded for non-Christians by Reverend Steve Galindo. ALL THESE EXAMPLES CAN BE READ ON THEIR EQUALLY DISGUSTING WEB PAGE. NOTE, HOWEVER, that the transcripts on their web page DO NOT INCLUDE their blasphemous editorials between the news.

FEB. 14, 1999: Bill Clinton USED the Monica Lewinski trial as a distraction so he could start a third world war with Koscov, a sure sign of the anti-christ. Also, the world is near a second Great Depression. The two old men stated that ALTHOUGH our financial state is at its highest EVER, they said that "what goes up must come down" and went on to say that the only way to be prepared for the next Depression is to find Jesus. Also, Russia is STILL our enemy. Apparently, according to these two idiots, Russia is stockpiling nuclear weapons to attack the United States, causing the end of civilization. Also, Saddam Hussein is sending millions of terrorists daily to kill Americans and the Y2K problem is a sign from God. They had three commercial breaks, during which they sold five different books that will save our suols.

JAN. 7, 1999: The Y2K problem will send the global economy crumbling of we all don't repent and find Jesus. President Bill Clinton is going to hell and is sending the nation with him. Congress and the Democrats are going to hell, too, apparently. The stock market is going to crash, at least according to Ford's new $32.99 book "BLOOD, MONEY, AND GREED" [actual title]. Only by buying that bok can ou be saved from another Depression. A bizzare religious cult has arisen in Israel that is a sure sign of Jesus' second coming. And, in a frightening ending to the show, Cliff tells us how the Y2K problem and Bruce Willis' movie "Armageddon" are signs that the world is ending.

OCTOBER 29, 1998: The historic peace agreement between Yassir Arafat and Benjamin Netanyahu is, in fact, a sign of the anti-christ and the coming apocalypse. Also, in an even more bizzare bit of news, people in Russia are catching colds so bad that they're dying, a sure sign of the end of the world. Also, the Y2K problem will destroy all cash, causing every society to be destryoed. They sold five books.

How DARE people make fun of Criswell when there are still jackasses like these guys still on the air. How DARE TBN even think of airing a show that promotes Christianity through fear, paranoia, and cheap bully tactics. Paul and Jan might as well hold a gun to everyone's head and force them to become Christians THAT way instead. It would be less offensive on the mind than the disgusting tactics of the International Intelligence Briefing.


Benny Hinn is a HEALER from Orlando, Florida who is TBN's golden boy. He claims that he has the power to heal people by simply touching them. His God complex constantly goes too far on his relevision sermons, where a countless number of white trash old people who say they can't walk to see can suddenly see and walk and jump up and down for the Lord.

Little is known about Benny Hinn, except for his claim that he was sent to earth by Jesus to save mankind. I went to his web page to hopefully learn more about this B.S. healer. In true Trinity fashion, his web page is devoted SOLELY to the buying of Benny Hinn-related products.

His "I've Been Healed by Benny Hinn" golf shirts and "Are You Ready for a Miracle" coffee mugs are available in his catalogue. You can also order his Biblically inaccurate books, casettes, albums, or his extensive video collection, which includes such classics as

and OVERCOMING TEMPTATION, among many other books he has written to spread the word of Benny Hinn instead of God.

The title of the last book is a rather ironic title, since, four years ago, a PBS special exposed Benny Hinn, among others, as a fraud. This special proved that Benny Hinn had no healing powers whatsoever and had been lying to his followers for years. Months later, Benny Hinn repented and promised that he would NEVER AGAIN heal people.

And yet, turn on TBN and there he is, Benny Hinn, healing people and selling his assorted crap, all in the name of God. Benny Hinn makes millions of dollars a year from his healings as a result of the millions of blind sheep who actually believe that he has the slightest ounce of healing power. Maybe Hinn should read his own book, so he can learn to "Overcome Temptation."

The Trinity Broadcasting Network promotes evil shows created and written by evil people that promote good in evil ways to further their own evil wants. Thusly, the Trinity Broadcasting Network is an evil empire. It promotes evil throughout the world and masks it as Christianity. We must all do what we can to break other free from the evil which is TBN.


The Church of the Heavenly Wood present
The neverending series known as the Lessons of Wood
LESSON 11: the 11 Points of Woodism

The main 11 points of the religion known as Woodism

GODLING: a tern coined by Reverend Steve Galindo to describe those people who are so frightenbingly loyal to their religion that they appear socially retarded and blind to the ways of society around them.

E-mail receieved Sat Dec 19 1998
From: unknown/Local ([?.?.?.?.]) by

I was browsing the net, searching for film related web sites, and I stumbled upon your page. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't. I'm still not sure whether your for real or not, but I don't think it matters. I don't even know why I'm wasting my time with this, but I feel compelled to respond to your lies. First off, if this IS in fact real then you are the most rediculiously [sic] insaiine [sic] religion I have ever seen! The facts you have established as your beliefs clearly show that you are nothing more than a fool. Although I am in no position to judge individuals, you mock the one who will judge you in the end. I suggest you reconsider your life and who you put your faith in. Jesus Christ is the king of kings and died for your sins, as stupid as they are. If you insist, however, in believing such infeasible ideas, then don't try to influence the ignorant idiots that may follow you.

Sent by: Reverend Steve Galindo
Sent Mon Dec 21 1998

Dear Stone Thrower,

I respect all religions regardless of their believability or even how utterly silly they might seem. I respect Catholicism, Christianity, Mormonism, and every other religion the world over. Note my use of the words "REGARDLESS OF THEIR BELIEVABILITY!" Even if the religion consisted of two people worshipping a ditch in the ground, I would respect their God given right to worship in any way they please and not violently, blindly attack it. Therefore, I find it funny that a man who vehemently believes in Jesus Christ would stoop so low as to call a Reverend "nothing more than a fool." I never throw stones, even at things I don't fully understand and ESPECIALLY at other people's religious beliefs. I hope that you will learn to do the same in the future. If you do not and persist on oppressing other individual's religious beliefs, then may God have mercy on your soul.


Reverend Steve Galindo

When Reverend Steve created the basis of the religion known as Woodism in 1996, he was violently attacked by right-wing political groups and various religious organizations for being blasphemous against their beliefs. Others wrote him with death threats and long, unprevoked attacks at his personal character, calling him such things as "a wetback idiot" and a "dumb skinny bastard" who will "rot in Hell for all eternity." Although the basis for Woodism back in 1996 at that time was a rather ribauld joke, that was no justification for the unethical personal attacks that were received.

As time passed and as the early basis became the serious religion that now exists, the attacks did not cease. Still, to this day, Reverend Steve is innundated with attacks on his character, his race, and his personal life. These negative threats almost always from a dogmatic religious zealot who ignortantly thinks that the way to stick up for Jesus' name is to violently attack another person's religious beliefs.

In an effort to hopefully calm such uneducated attacks, The Church of the Heavenly Wood would like to devote this ection to rationally explaining the basic tennets of Woodism, in the hopes that, if idiotic religious Godlings continue to attack the beliefs of Woodism, at least they can cease to be ignorant, uneducated attacks.


1) That Ed Wood was sent to earth from God to preach social, political, emotional, and spiritual messages within his films. He died to give us his films, which act as parables to us. He died for his art, his films, his dreams, and for our own betterment and as such we feel that he should be looked upon as a savior and worshipped accordingly.

2) That by following Ed Wood's example, we can all learn to be ourselves, our true inner selves which we hide so many times from the public.

3) That every person's entire self, what we know to be an ONTOS, cannot be held down by one certain set of rules as most mainstream religions believe.

4) As a Woodite, I reserve the right to decide for myself and my own ontos what is morally right and wrong and as such, I am willing to fight against any one body, organization, or regigion who believes they must force their own moral rules on me.

5) That since Ed Wood will forgive sins at any time, anywhere, you do not need to be in front of a priest in a church to be forgiven. Therfore, the Catholic and Christian act of confession is not needed. However, since man inherently has problems with the concept known as "blind faith" and as such, we reserve the right to use the act of INDULGENCES rather than confessions to stand as proof that a sin has been forgiven.

6) That Ed Wood did what he wanted to do to make himself happy during his short time on theis earth and as such we Woodites of the world do hereby proclaim that life is short and everyone should try and make the best of what you're given with and try to make yourselves happy at all times.

7) That a sin is any negative act that makes another person feel upset. There are no seven deadly sins and a single sin will not send you to Hell as you were forced to believe as a child.

8) That the non-believers of the world not cast judgement upon us. We do not ask you to believe in what we believe in. We merely ask that you respect the fact that we Woodites believe in it.

9) That the Bible, although it is a fine spiritual guide, cannot be taken as the universal moral guide of society. Although it is a nice book to read and gain spiritual guidancve from, it cannot be used as a moral guide to derive laws from. It contains numerous irrelevant personal beliefs that have no basis in our modern lives.

10) That since Ed Wood accepted anyone into his life, we too accept anyone, regardless of race, gender, or sexual preference, that everyone in society is equal because of this, and that ANYONE WHO THINKS DIFFERENTLY is just plain mean.

11) That life and death isn't an matter of life and death, that everyone should learn to just calm down, slow down, enjoy life, and have a fun ass time living a good life while it's here for us to live for future events such as these will effect us in the future!


LESSON 12: the Universality of Wood

Where Reverend Steve explains spring break, nudity, spirituality, and the meaning of life.

Spring Break, Woodian Year 51 (or 1999).

I still live with my parents. I don't consider this to be a bad situation. I have a small amount of Latino blood which brings with it a deep sense of family and friends. They mean the world to me.

I've had many spring breaks before, most of them memorable. Countless trips to Disneyland, Las Vegas, and Mexico come to mind. However, I never though that the spring break that just past, in Woodian Year 51, would end up to be the one I would remember the most.

It was the one I spent alone.

My mother and father spent their spring break in New Mexico, drinking margaritas and dining in fancy Mexican establishments. My brother and his newly acquired wife, who still lived at home, the wife being a bitch whore but I digress, spent their spring break touring Europe, visiting the Eiffel Tower, Abbey Road, and the pot bars of Amsterdam. My best friend Reverend Tom spent his spring break bar hopping through San Diego and Tiajuana, ending with a day in Disneyland. My girlfriend at the time spent her spring break studying in the far city of Flagstaff, HER spring break being a week earlier.

My spring break was spent alone in my house. Such is reverend Steve.

In my lonely week, I learned to hate most of the other people in my life, the others that I called friends and family who were playing in the snow, drinking beers, rining rides, and touring London while I played the same video games over and over again. But I also learned more. I learned what spirituality is, how deep the bonds of religion go, who I really am, and the meaning of life.

I dubbed my spring break THE ULTIMATE NUDE WEEK and used the empty house that was my week's stay as my own personal nude beach, free of misunderstanding eyes. It was a freeing experience and a perfect example of Woodism. FInally, for six days of my life, I was completely and absolutely free to do whatere I wanted to, whatever I felt like, whatever I felt was within my own ontos to do, an unadulterated Reverend Steve, to some a frightening thought.

I will admit, I probably went too far with my freedom. I smoked some things too much, drank too much, and for the first few days, wasted my freedom on the expansion of my horizon through partying.

A few days into my Nude Week, however, I began to finally grow accustomed to my freedom. The first few days I tried to use it as much as I could, but once the freedom seemed normal to me, I began to start using my time on pursuits that didn't evolve beer and porn.

I began to research other religions and their tenets, looking into Christianity, Lutheranism, Mormonism, and Scientology. I consider myself rather versed in many religions and pride myself in my wide religious knowledge. I learn what others have to offer, adapt it into Woodism, the ever adapting religion I had created. I had hoped that my research would prove successful and that I would learn what they offered to their followers, be able to use it within Woodism, and move on.

I found nothing.

Actually, that is untrue.

What I found were a series of spiritual beliefs centered around the basic idea that what THEY say to be true is the one universal truism for the rest of society, that their religion holds "the answer" to existance, that the rest of the world who does not believe what they believe are wrong, for what they know to be "the answer" is the ONLY answer to life.

I know this to be crap. The biggest crime of man was brainwashing society into believing that spirituality can be routine, lawful, and universal.

Spirituality MUST be deep and personal, not routine. Spirituality comes from each person's own individualiy and cannot be derived from one set of ten laws. Each individual who wishes to find their own spirit, their own ontos, must decide for THEMSELVES, like Ed Wood did, what is right and wrong for THEMSELVES and base their religious and spiritual beliefs UPON THIS FACT.

I had a lonely spring break, away from my family and friends, away from the people I cared for the most. I did very little, left the house a small amount of times, and did very little with the outside world. And yet, that was the most memorable spring break I ever experienced, for it was during this time that I discovered the meaning of life.

The meaning of life is that there are no universal answers. Therefore, there is no one answer to the existance of everyone. Life is not a multiple choice test. There is no one answer. Everyone must strive to create their own answers.

There are many religions in this world that will offer you their meaning of life in exchance for money. They will try to lure you in with testimonials from famous celebrities, offer you books and videos, and will sell you their answer to existance. But remember that it is THEIR OWN PERSONAL, INDIVIDUAL ANSWER that they are offering you. There is no universal answer to everything, as much as they would like you to believe otherwise. We were all created different. Therfore, our spirituality must seek different answers.

This is where The Church of the Heavenly Wood comes from. It has been formed on the basis that everyone is different. It does not force its believers to follow a consice set of ten rules to follow and seven sins to fear. Woodism believes that each person must make their own moral decisions.

Unlike other religions, Woodism and The Church of the Heavenly Wood believe that people must decide for themselves, even in matters of God. Woodism is different, just like every person on earth was created.

Have a good spring break.