The Neverending Lessons of Wood continue unabated with the dawning of
LESSON 18: the Speed of Wood

Where Reverend Steve discusses life, Woodism,
happiness, and the dangers of a "fast" life.

Hello, my holy Woodian brothers and sisters!

My name is Reverend Steve Galindo, holy founder of Woodism and the spiritual guru of this, The Church of the Heavenly Wood. I am speaking to you from Phoenix, Arizona in the United States of America, sitting in a computer site on the campus of Arizona State University where, almost four years ago I created Woodism, the belief that Ed Wood can bring happiness and peace to those unmoved by the selective, elitist words of Buddah, Christ, Moses and others.

Woodism is more of a mind set than a religion, which brings us anger and negativity from anal-retentive Christians, Catholics, Mormons and other angry religious groups. I will repeat once more for those nay-sayers out there - we do NOT beliefe that Ed Wood is "THE" savior. We merely beliefe that Ed Wood is "A" savior, maybe not a savior to you but a savior to us. Although it is incredibly hard to summarize what Woodism is, I will try to speak the ultimate truth of Woodism here...

The meaning of life is that there are no universal answers to everything (consult the writings of Douglas Adams for more information). No one belief exists that will end poverty and bring society togeter as one. And yet almost every mainstream religion insists that what they believe is right and everything else is wrong. Christians and Catholics and Mormons are taking this even further by forcing their moral religious mandates on the rest of society, creating an entire planet of people who believe that caffiene, sex, pornography, alcahol, and homosexuals are evil.

It is important to have a belief in some sort of higher mandate, be it God, Jesus, Moses, Satan, nature, karma, or whatever, as long as you maintain faith in something that is beyond earth. This centers us, focuses us, and gives us hope. Within this basic premise, you should seek to find your own set of beliefs concerning good, evil, death, sex, and happiness. Therein lies Woodism - it is not a restrictive set of laws carved on a tablet but a way of thinking.

First and foremost in Woodism is the idea of Ed Wood as "A" savior, with an emphasis on the word "A," thereby implying that there are, will be, and have been many saviors on this earth. The bible talks of only one savior existing that will unify the world. This is pure bullshit. There are many saviors to chose from. Ed Wood is ours. He died to bring his films to us. What he lacked in style, money, and talent he made up for with spirit, depth, integrity, innocense, and love.

What makes Woodism so special is our open-acceptance of the self. You see, Ed Wood was proud of who he was. He was a drinking, smoking transvestite with bi-sexual tendancies. Christianity would turn a blind eye to Ed's cries of help. But Ed didn't hide his drinking or his love of women's clothes. He was damm proud to walk the streets being who he was. Therefore, a major part of Woodism is that we must all strive to be proud of ourselves regardless of faults, blemishes, or deviations from the norm. Therefore, Woodism accepts gays, lesbians, blacks, young people and all those that are harshly labeled different by the rest of society.

Woodism, it's air of happiness and difference, is slowly but surely gaining widespread recognition. With three new Woodian churches around the world (1 in Florida, 1 in Mexico, and 1 in Italy) as well as the original Church of the Heavenly Wood, we are growing and the speed of wood! Currently, as of August 2000 (or Criswell, WY52), we officially have over 500 Woodites worldwide as well as an estimated 1,500 unofficial practicing Woodites spreading the word of Wood around the world.

Why the sudden boom of Woodism worldwide? Well, I have a theory, a controversial, wild idea that the rest of society doesn't want you to hear. My theory goes like this ... life is simple. It isn't complicated but we humans have a huge tendency to ruin it by complicating it with questions about life and love and whatnot. And beyond that, beyond our tendency to confuse and complicate our lives, we are all getting more and more fast. A general fast. We as a society are having an increasingly difficult time trying to find calmness and peace when we are raised by a television with 1,000 channels and food that is ready to be eaten after being cooked for ten seconds and computers that pop up information in an instant. We as a society are becoming used to instantaneous gratification so much so that we are all becoming way too impatient. We are complicating everything with our emotions and getting angry at stoplights and yelling at other drivers because we're in a hurry too much.

Woodism is a lighthearted religion based on happiness and rebellion rather than the dark, gloomy, prophetic words of a long-haired guy from Jerusalem. We are all about happiness and peace and acceptance and unity and togetherness in a society that preaches all those things while simultaneously hating and killing and fighting against each other for the cars we drive and the shoes we wear.

If there is one problem plaguing our lives today, it is that we are all living faster. Where's the love, the happiness, and the kindness? Well, one-sided, blind followers of those other religions out there would start naming things like video games, music, rap, television, movies, Jerry Springer, homosexuals, and professional wrestling to be the cause of this world's problems. But, again, that is all just shit.

Faster cars, faster computers, faster electronics and the like have conditioned our lives so that nowadays we don't want to wait for anything. This is the biggest problem with our society today. The reason this thing called "road rage" did not exist twenty years ago was that we weren't as impatient as we are now. We all need to work on the speed of our lives.

Drive a little slower. Turn off your beeper and your cell phone - give the batteries in them a much needed break. Go the long way home today. Don't get angry at the lady working behind the counter - it's not her fault that there's a long line. Relax. Will a faster computer REALLY make you a better person? Take a deep breath. When you drive fast, always remember that no matter how fast your car is, you will still die. Above all else, always remember two things ... life is simple and Ed Wood loves you. Everything, including life, isn't a big deal. Relax. There's always time to slow down, despite the guy honking his horn behind you. Slow down. You owe it to yourself.