The Church of the Heavenly Ed Wood present the Lessons of Wood, a series of uplifting Ed Wood-related religious sermons written specifically for Woodites by Woodism church founder Reverend Steve Galindo.
The First Four Lessons of Wood

"Wherein Reverend Steve Galindo discusses the first four Lessons of Wood, how they came about, and combines them for all of you to read to your heart's Woodian content."



GREETINGS, fellow Woodites everywhere!

And to all you non-Woodites out there, a very special welcome indeed. It is currently Wood 24, 2003 in the holy Woodian calendar as I write this little introduction to the combined first four Lessons of Wood, the neverending sermons of Woodism, the first and only Ed Wood religion. When these were written, it was between 1997 and 1998 when I and a select group of early Woodites decided to get our comedic web page and transform it into an honest-to-Wood legal religion.

What sets these early Lessons of Wood apart from the other lessons is that these reflect a serious, heartfelt desire to make Woodism a legal and therefore serioius modern mainstream religion. And I think that that can be weened by reading these first four. There's a young spirit, a young man's drive and enegry there, and you can tell that we were studying religion in college, seeing as how so many words and descriptions in these first four were directly taken fron Arizona State University religion classes.

Lesson One is the "Ontos of Wood" and when it was first posted in late 1997 on what was once the ED WOOD = GOD Homepage, you can understand that it really turned some heads and ruffled some feathers of people who were fans of the unprofessional, slapdash, irreverant little mock webpage they were used to and it still remains pretty shocking to the casual reader who is usually expecting much less from the Church of Ed Wood. Lesson Two is a sort of direct follow-up to the previous one, a semi-sequel if you will, and something that is rarely done in any subsequent lessons.

Lessons Three and Four are departures from the seriousness and a turn more into a relaxed mindframe. Lesson Three began as a way for Woodism and Ed Wood fans out there to have their very own religious equivalent of the Catholic and Christian sign of the cross (dig those crazy pictures of me back in 1998 ... I've ages ninety million years since those were taken) and Lesson Four is the ingenious (if not widely popular) site of on-line indulgence, where people could (and still can) have their sins forgiven via the internet.

These first four are definitely the most serious Lessons of Wood that exist. Most of the other first twenty-five lessons either fall under personal accounts of Reverend Steve's life or funny rants. These ones really do stand out for their determination, their drive, and their spirit. And we here at the Church of Ed Wood do hope that you keep an open mind and that, reading these holy first four, your mind is open to the spirit and message of our savior, Eddie Wood!




the holy teachings of life within Ed Wood
LESSON 1: the ontos of Wood

An spiritual lesson about how YOU can achieve a deep inner peace through Ed Wood's teachings


ONTOS
an ancient Greek word usually used in the context of trying to describe a person's being or inner self.


Your ontos is every seperate thing that makes up who you are (emotions, physical health, mental thoughts, free will, desires, wants, feelings, dreams, looks, ect ...) all combined into one singular entity, almost like a person's spirit or soul but without the religious assholism that comes with the uptight bounds of Catholicism and Christianity, where those concepts originate. An ontos is everything that you are, everything that you will one day become and everything you once were all rolled up into one entity inside you and it is an idea, a concept, that Woodism has decided to use instead of using the terms "spirit" or "soul."


An ontos is the core of a person, the core of a person's being, the exact thing that makes us all individuals. The ONTOS of a person is the ESSENCE of a person. Everyone has one. No strange, undefinable crap about someone's "spirit" and "soul" and "angels watching over you" or any judeo-christian crap like that. Your ontos is who you are. Everyone has their own ontos to tend to and nurture. Every ontos is different. No two people can truly have the same ontos in the same sense that no two people are really, truly alike, even twins.


Although everyone's ontos is different, many bodies of government as well as most all major religions, set moral boundaries for people's ontos, especially religions who mostly rule with fear and guilt. These organizations inflict their own outdated, twisted moral boundaries upon a person's ontos and society seems to be ok with that because that is how mankind has been ruled for the past two thousand years. Moral boundaries inflict on a person's ontos in a negative way. Just because a rule (abortion is WRONG for example) might fit your own ontos, that does not mean that it will fit well with EVERYONE's own ontos.

That is the core problem with almost every modern mainstream religion in the world today. There is a thin red line between helping people and controlling people and almost every religion out there seeks to use their own morals and beliefs and force them on to you in the hopes of keeping you in line, therefore producing generations upon generations of mindless sheep with a complete lack of originality or any sort of personality. Millions and millions of grey zombies that pray before meals and protest outside abortion clinics are produced every day and these people, these mindless zombies, are the ones that are making all the laws and controlling all of us who don't agree with their beliefs.

But that's the way it is. Rebellion is crushed and anyone different is let away and anyone who dares look past the curtain and realizes that the great and powerful wizard is really just some corrupt old guy is quickly let to the slaughter. We Woodites don't subscribe to religious bullying such as that. We believe that everyone has a human right to have an individually free ontos that isn't held down by other organization's ignorant beliefs.


If you look at his life through the morally righteous puritan eyes of most religions, Ed Wood was not a perfect man. Most religious zealots would label Ed a sinner, actually. He was an alcoholic, a smoker, a pornographer and a transvestite. In the eyes of other philistine religions, Ed Wood was an evil sinner, corrupting the world with his evil ideas, and through their outdated moral boundaries, Ed Wood is probably rotting in hell right now.


But Ed Wood triumphed through the ontos inflicting rules of society. That is what made him stand out and that is what shined through his films so beautifully that to this day people flock to see his work. He had an ontos of independance, always living life to the next joyous event, and decided for himself what is right and what is wrong based on his ontos and not on the rules and guidelines of any outside forces. He was subversive against society and set the rules for his own ontos. In this light, Ed Wood was a survivor, a savior and a God.


Ed Wood did not follow the restricting rules and codes of modern day religions. He did not have to. Ed Wood had his OWN moral codes and his own limitations within his own ontos. That is what made him special, what made him shine, and what we Woodites hope to emulate by using this new religion to carve ourselves from a mountain of independence.


All other religions restrict your ontos by limiting what you can do and cannot to, what you can want and cannot want, what you can think and cannot think. YOU CANNOT HAVE A PROPER RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF WHEN YOUR ONTOS IS BEING HARMED BY OUTSIDE FORCES.


Therefore, all other religions restrict your ontos and therefore restrict your relationship with yourself and your ability to grow and become confident. Every ontos is different, however, modern day religions still want to assimilate your ontos to better suit THEIR needs. There is no individuality in most other religions where you are just a sheep with money quietly being led to the altar and the collection plate.


Yes, it is true that, in the eyes of other religions, Ed Wood was not percect. In their conformist, puritan eyes, no one is perfect but God and Jesus and everyone else was born with sins that they will spend their whole life trying to have forgiven, a sad, pathetic life spent in guilty servitude to the religion that rules you. That is crap. But within Ed Wood's own ontos, Ed was happy with himself, content with his station in life and forever joyous, even to the end.


Therefore, The Church of the Heavenly Wood, understanding that everyone is different, stresses that YOU must make your OWN decisions as to what is right and what is wrong within your own ontos so that you may better your relationship with our savior, the Lord Ed Wood!


For example, if getting drunk whenever you want to in the privacy of your own home dammages your ontos, then do not get drunk whenever you want to, learn to take some responsibility and try to help live your life better. However, The Church of the Heavenly Wood is not in the position to tell you what to do and not do and will never tell YOU to stop getting drunk in the privacy of your own home because it is not within our power to tell you what is right and wrong. We will not get in the way of your relationship with Ed by placing rules that restrict who you are.


We believe in UNRESTRICTED MORALS WITHIN YOUR OWN ONTOS WHILE MAINTANING AN UNDERLYING REVERANCE TO ED WOOD. In our church, when dealing with morality, we believe that you are allowed to do whatever does not damage your ontos as long as you maintain reverance to ED WOOD.


Ed Wood loves everyone, regardless of their race, actions, wants or sexual preferences. His arms are always outstretched for anyone who is willing to accept him. We must all learn to become comfortable with our ontos. We must strive to do what is right and wrong and we must make those decisions within ourselves. Only then will we be emationally transcendant from the philistine society that oppresses us.


THIS CONCLUDES LESSON 1.

(copyright 1997)




the holy teachings of life within Ed Wood
LESSON 2: the weltanschauung of Wood

A healing look at Ed Wood's notion of mankind and how WE can help one another


WELTANSCHAUUNG
an old German word that is used to describe a person's WORLD VIEW, i.e., a person's overall look at existance.


In Lesson One: the ontos of Wood, we learned that in order to have a relationship with ED WOOD, you must first set the rules and boundaries for you own inner morals (now defined as your ontos). We also learned that only YOU can set the rules for your own ontos and you cannot under any circumstances let any body of goverment or religion oppress your own individual ontos. Hopefully you read lesson one and feel a little bit better about yourselves. Lesson one is but a sample of Woodism, not the only part of Woodism, but by looking at lesson one, hopefully you understand a little bit better what we're trying to do here at the Church of Ed Wood.

Now that your ontos is free from any moral judgement whatsoever, we are now ready to start a spiritual foundation for a relationship with Ed Wood.


When Ed Wood walked the earth, he was disgusted with society. In the brief time he walked this planet, he saw the dangers of technology, the arrogance of man, the madness of mankind and the horror that we see as normal parts of our lives. He also loved society as well and spend most of his life embracing all of man's creations with his own unlimited energy and lust for life.


This is evident in his films.


In an effort to help us save ourselves, Ed began making movies brimming with animals, aliens, bad actors and the like PURPOSELY using such distractions to cover up his subversive messages about what we as a society have become. He chose to hide the messages in his films so that only those who have their eyes truly open will be chosen to see his messages. Any one with a sensitive theatrical eye will tell you that "Plan 9 (Graverobbers) from Outer Space" is much, much more than the so-called worst film of all time. There's a lot of deep messages hidden in the film, along with Ed Wood's own special brand of spiritual opulence. Ed's films are his messages to us, his cinematic work are now our holy bible taken directly from the mind of our savior and onto the screen.


The films of Ed Wood serve as teaching tools to what our lord Ed wants us to know before the end of the world (the eschaton - which will be covered in Lesson 5).


These messages, hidden in his films, are Ed Wood's WELTANSCHAUUNG. These messages are Ed Wood's world view and serve a blueprints for what the world IS, what the world MIGHT BECOME and what the world SHOULD DO in order to change the fate which it is headed.


"PLAN 9" A PROPHETIC WARNING

Although ALL of Ed's movies contain his weltanschauung, we will be focusing the most attention on two of Ed Wood's most popular and more spiritual films, one of which is his film "Plan 9 from Outer Space."


The plot revolves around a race of God-fearing aliens who come to earth warning mankind about man's development of a weapon so dangerous that it has the potential to destory the entire universe. Mankind automatically expresses disbelief and begins attacking the aliens, forcing the aliens to respone back with violence. In the end, the peaceful aliens die as their spaceship explodes in a giant ball of fire.


They tried to warn the world. The world responded with violence and headstrong arrogance. At the end of the film, a bold cinematic statement, nothing has changed. The aliens died in vain and the universe was left alone, still eventually fated to come to an untimely end at the hands of man's own arrogance.


This film is Ed Wood's WELTANSCHAUUNG in two ways.


In one way, it symbolizes Ed Wood's own life and divinity. In this case, the aliens represent Ed Wood come to earth to preach love and understanding through his movies. Much like the humans in "Plan 9," Ed was also met with opposition, at times violent. In the end, Ed died poor, homeless and alone, leaving only those few who believed in him to preach his word.


In another way, "Plan 9" is also a prophecy of Criswell and Ed Wood. In this sense, mankind is arrogant and headstrong and responds to peace and subvirsiveness with violence and oppression. This leads to evental doom for mankind. In this film, Ed's weltanschauung is clear. It is a scary look at his own divinity and the doom that awaits earth


Ed Wood's weltanschauung can also be viewed through this movie in yet another way.


Ever since the early eighties, this film has been viewed by many to be the so-called "worst film of all time." This is a flat out lie.


Ed's cinematic problems lie solely within his budget problems. If Ed had a bigger budget, he could afford better actors, better sets, better special effects, and then his films wouldn't be considered the worst films of all time - and yet, probably then no one would know who Ed Wood was. Therefore, Ed's films had to be bad in order for him to have been recognized and remembered all these years. It's as if he would rather have gone down as being known as a bad director instead of just another director. If you can't be famous, you could settle for infamous. If God doesn't seem to love you, then you could always get God's attention by making him hate you. It's a strange Woodian puzzle, one that continues to astound.


And yet society has marked Ed's "Plan 9" as being the worst film of all time but society has missed the entire point of the film. They just focus on the things they can laugh at and the things they can make fun of, like falling cardboard tombstones and bad acting.


Well, what about the movie "Titanic?" That's my vote for the worst film of all time. Sure it has some of the most incredible special effects of all time but looking beyond that it has the crappiest romance plot of all time hidden behind a horrible script and acted with some of the worst actors (excluding Billy Zane, obviously) ever. That movie sucks ass and is considered one of the greatest films ever, which is sad because "Plan 9 from Outer Space" is a misunderstood classic.


Ed's weltanschauung is more than bad sets and bad special effects. Ed's message is clear in the film's stark, delirious artistic surrealism and the film's bold concept of having the human beings, the policeman and the government soldier and the American pilot and veteran, end up being the villians who succeed in blowing the peace-loving aliens to millions of tiny pieces in the film's climax. This strong criticism of the military and of the police is really unmatched by any other American science fiction films released in the fifties and it shows Ed's weltanschauung as being one of individuality, one that won't be told what to do by any governing forces, no matter what the cost.


Strong messages. Positive messages.


Surely not the messages of the "worst film of all time."


"GLEN/GLENDA" A BLUEPRINT FOR PEACE

The second film of Ed's that we will be focusing on is his semi-autobiographical look at the world of transvestism, "Glen or Glenda?" In this film, Ed paints a portrait of a man who is tormented with secrets. Glen is a transvestite. Within himself alone, he is comfortable with his transvestism. However, he has yet to tell his finace that he is a transvestite. He is fearful that his fiance will leave him when she learns of this.


The message of this film that is a part of Ed's weltanschauung is one of happiness and joy, only through the acceptance of ED WOOD as a savior.


Glen's struggle is not with transvestism. Ed's struggle is with himself, his own ontos, his own self-esteem, his inner self, and not only how he views himself but also how the world around him views Glen and Glenda.


I'm sure everyone can relate to that. This is a problem that Woodism is almost based solely around, the inner problems people face regarding how people view the exterior of yourself, how one's ontos is constantly judged and shunned simply by other's views of you. People judged Ed much like people judge Glen in this film and his struggle is our struggle, is the constant everyday struggle of the Woodite who loves Ed but is shunned because of his love for Ed by the people around him. Through Ed's struggle and through Glen's struggle, we sympathize for in them there is also us, we who hope to one day be accepted for who we are.


At the beginning of the film, it is made certain that Glen's transvestism does not harm his ontos in any way. Glen's struggle, instead, is with opening up his ontos to others. YOU SHOULD NOT BE ASHAMED OF YOUR ONTOS. WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO DO, YOU SHOULD ALWAYS BE PROUD OF IT, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS. Glen is afraid that his ontos will be rejected, so he hides his ontos. This leads to even more problems for our hero.


When Glen comes to terms with his ontos and decides to tell his fiance about his transvestism, he is greeted with understanding and acceptance and this is shown in a beautifully crafted scene where Glen's fiance removes her angora top and hands it to him. His fiance represents Ed Wood, who is waiting to greet us all with love and affection. Glen recieved understanding only after coming to terms with who he was and what he believed in. As humans here on earth, we must all accept Ed Wood as our savior if we ever hope to receive the understanding that Glen receives.


Like Glen, we must all come to terms with what we believe in. We must all be proud of who we are and proud of our belief in Woodism. In a perfect world no one should ever be ashamed to say what he believes in and what he likes and enjoys and loves and feels passionately for. If you feel strongly and passionately about something and someone, why be ashamed? You should, like Ed, claim respinsibility for the things hidden inside you and have the guts and the intestinal fortitude to proclaim it to the entire world! If you believe that Ed Wood is the savior of the world, then you must PROCLAIM your love for him as loud as you can. You must not be ashamed to express your love for Ed Wood.


Ed's weltanschauung is both a grim one and a happy one. On one hand, Ed warns us of the dangers of being arrogant and violent and closed minded to the ideas of others. On the other hand, Ed tells us that the only way to aviod those dangers and recieve comfort is to accept his love.


As a member of The Church of the Heavenly Wood, you must watch Ed's films carefully, look for his hidden weltanschauung and then heed what it says. Only then can you truly find comfort. Ed Wood lived and bresathed movies and, yes, eventually died for his films, his art, his holy messages to us, and that is what seperates Ed from other icons of religions - Ed was alive and walked upon this earth and worked his holy ass off trying to make these films which now serve as holy messages to us, not some bible written a long time ago by people who claim that they knew Jesus. No.

Ed was real. He was alive. He loved and laughed and sinned and made films which we now covet for they are his last remaining messages of love to each and every one of us.




THIS CONCLUDES LESSON 2.





THE HOLY TEACHINGS OF LIFE WITHIN ED WOOD
LESSON 3: The Church of the Heavenly Wood
HAND BLESSING & SYMBOL

the signs of the times to show to the world that YOU believe in the spirit of Ed Wood




In the Catholic and Christian community, it is customary to bless yourself in the sign of the cross before and after a mass. This is only stated so that the people of the Church of the Heavenly Wood can have a mental point of reference.


In the community of followers within the Church of the Heavenly Wood, there exists a similar such sign that, when used correctly, will ratify your love for Ed Wood as well as help YOU the believer to BLESS OTHERS with the spirit of Ed Wood! There are two seperate signs, both of which are similar and could easily be confused with one another. It is the goal of THIS web page to explain to you all the differences between to two, which happen to be the Woodian Hand Blessing and the Woodian Victory Symbol.



THE WOODIAN HAND BLESSING


The Woodian Hand Blessing is the same as the Americal Sign Language symbol for the letter W. It differs from the Woodian Voctory Hand Symbol in that when one performs the blessing, the person performing the blessing has the palm of his hand facing out towards the person he/she is blessing, so that the spirit of Ed Wood can be sent from the spirit of the person performing the blessing to the person being blessed. Anyone pure in ontos who fully believes in Ed Wood can perform a Woodian Blessing. It is very simple.

  1. The person who is to be blessed must close his/her eyes and bow his/her head, in reverance to Ed.
  2. The person performing the blessing must first cleanse the person being blessed of any negative emotions. This can be done by blessing the person in the shape of the Heavenly Wood cross. That is one line from up to down, diagonal, and three lines from left to right, horizontal. During this, the person performing the blessing must chant "In your name, Ed, we pray today" which is the sacred chant of the Church of the Heavenly Wood.

  3. After the person being blessed has been cleaned of any negative emotions, the person performing the blessing must extend his hand in the Woodian Blessing fashion towards the person's bowed head.
  4. The person performing the blessing must then say an ED WOOD PRAYER for the person who is being blessed. Although any number of blessings can easily be ad-libbed by the person performing the blessing (in conjunction with the needs of the person being blessed), Reverend Saint Almighty Steve has listed a few suitable blessings to use


    MY DEAREST SAVIOR ED WOOD
    I COME TO YOU TODAY TO ASK YOU
    TO EXTEND YOUR LOVE AND PEACE TO (insert name here).
    KEEP HIM/HER CALM AND FACING FORWARDS TOWARDS YOUR TRUTH.
    MAY SHIRLEY AND THE DIVINE CRISWELL BE WITH (insert name) TODAY AND FOREVER.
    IN YOUR NAME, ED, WE PRAY.


    OH OUR LOVING SAVIOR ED WOOD
    WE REMEMBER YOUR FILMS AND YOUR SUFFERING
    AND ALL THAT YOU DID TO MAKE OUR LIVES BETTER
    I COME TO YOU TODAY TO ASK FOR YOUR COMFORTING HAND
    TO BE PLACED UPON (insert name here) IN THIS,
    HIS/HER TIME OF GUIDANCE.
    KEEP HIS/HER BODY CALM AND HIS/HER ONTOS FREE OF NEGATIVE ENERGY.
    MAKE HIM/HER FREE OF OPPRESSION AND STRONG WITH YOUR SPIRIT.
    IN YOU NAME, ED, WE PRAY TODAY.


  5. Once more, the person performing the blessing must bless the person in the shape of the Heavenly Wood cross, stating "In you name, Ed, we pray today!"
  6. The person being blessed next rises his head, and the person performing the blessing can now give the person a cleansing hug (OPTIONAL).



THE WOODIAN VICTORY SYMBOL



As you can see, the Woodian Victory Symbol is almost exactly similar to the Woodian Hand Blessing, except that the person who shows this symbol can be ANYONE, not just a limited few who fully believe in Ed Wood. Also, the palm of the person showing the Woodian Victory symbol is facing TOWARDS the person signing it. This symbol stands for victory in much the same way as a peace sign or a thumbs up are used. The Woodian Victory Symbol is used to express happiness while also standing as a symbol of the signer's love for Ed Wood. In this way, it serves two purposes. It should be used as much as possible to show others your love for Wood. People who use this symbol should tell others about it and get others to use it, so that the teachings of Ed Wood can be carried on throughout society.


THE WOODIAN CROSS



The Woodian Cross is something that for a long time now has been randomly plastered all over this church but without any sort of explanation of what it is and what it means and why it's so important to Woodism and to this holy Woodian church. And the reason why it hasn't really been explained is because, quite frankly, it hasn't had a real explanation up until now. It originally just started as a pretty cool thing that I just came up with that I thought looked bad ass. Now I see it as a heavely, divine symbol of all things Ed.


I wanted a Woodian cross, plain and simple, one that would not neccessarily rival the Catholic cross but definately one that would both emulate and mock it. I fiddled around with a few different concepts until I came up with the design you see here, a mixture of the letter "E" and the cross of Christ. Simple. Effective. A stark, simple image and yet deeply symbolic of Ed Wood's struggles and the everyday struggle that all Woodites have evryday.


At first I saw it as something simple and stupid and funny and altogether cool, really nothing more than my own version of a cross. My own Woodian version of a big, fat "F-U" to other people's beliefs. But now I see it as something more. Now this seems to represents a symbol of Woodism and a symbol fo the life of Ed Wood, for much like Jesus Christ, Ed Wood died to get his messages across to us, his followers who are left here on earth after his death with nothing but his films.


The "E" symbolizes Ed and the "E" here is seen carrying the cross of Jesus Christ on his back because, like Jesus, Eddie Wood also suffered, died, and was buried only to be ressurected years later through people like us who keep his spirit and messages alive. Ed is carrying the cross of Christ because Ed is our Jesus, OUR savior, a real man who walked upon this earth and whose spirit still walks here through our hearts and our dreams and our aspirations to one day be like him.


I urge all Woodites of good brains out there to draw this symbol everywhere: carve it, write it, paint it, print it, even tattoo it in yourself if you feel like it because this corss is the symbol of our lives and our religion and our love for Ed and everything he stood for.




THIS CONCLUDES LESSON 3

(copyright 1998)


SPECIAL THANKS GO TO PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR AND ACTOR SUPREME MISTER PAUL HUEBL FOR THE DIGITAL PICTURES.



another holy lesson of life within wood

THE CHURCH OF THE HEAVENLY WOOD - LESSON 4
INDULGENCES: get your sins forgiven now!!!

Only our church, the Church of Ed Wood, would ever be so bold as to ressurect a dead 15th Century Catholic tradition long since forbidden



PLEASE NOTE: if you feel uncomfortable with the process of indulgences and would still like to have a Reverend deal with our problems, just e-mail the Woodian Reverends at ReverendSteve@edwood.org


In the 15th and 16th Century, the Catholic church received a lot of heat for selling INDULGENCES, which were pieces of paper that granted salvation and the forgiveness of sins to those who received it. For years, the Catholic church sold salvation to the highest bidder. This practice is the driving force that led famed Reformist Martin Luther to nail his protest to the church door which eventually let to the creation of both Lutheranism and Presbyterianism. As a matter of fact, the Catholic church did not cease the practice of Indulgences until the 1950, when it was a common practice for preachers to give indulgences to those who studied the Bible. One of Martin Luther's main points of protest was that humans have no free will whatsoever because God choses who comes to him and therefore salvation is given directly from God and not from human works. We here at The Church of the Heavenly Wood know this to be crap. It's obvious that humans have free will. I have the CHOICE to kill everyone that smiles at me. God does not control that. God gives us free will and Ed Wood is an example of that. He chose to be a transvestite and he remained proud of that until the day he ascended into heaven.


We at The Church of the Heavenly Wood believe in UNIVERSAL ATONEMENT OF (so-called) SINS but we also believe incongruently in LIMITED SALVATION. Everyone can be forgiven of their sins regardless of what religion you follow. We here at The Church are legally able to perform the religious rite of forgiving sins and we will administer that to ANYONE regardless of whether they TRULY believe in Ed Wood's saving messages. You can be Jewish Atheist Mormon Snake Handler and we CAN and WILL forgive you of your sins.


If you have ever been to Catholic school, you will know that many people (kids and teens, mostly) go to Confessional to get their sins forgiven AND YET they do not take the rite seriously. Why? Because at times tradition can destroy meaning. Many times can I remember being forced, YES FORCED, by my school to attend confession. I remember sitting there, thinking up some fabricated sin to pass off to the priest who would seriously reprimand you if you said any serious problems like drugs or beer or pornography, any sins that strayed from their safe zone of lying and treating parents badly and being mean to your little brother.


Ed Wood will forgive anyone and everyone of any sin there is. You will NOT be forced to be sad for having done any sin and you don't even have to take the rite or the religion seriously, as I know many of you will probably, more than likely not. However, with this comes LIMITED SALVATION. Sure, anyone can pretend to be Catholic and Christian. Hundreds claim it every day. However, I know of many Christians who regularly smoke pot and have unprotected sex before marriage.


I mean, come on - take it from a Catholic who prayed and went to church and simultaneously screwed four women and did so many drugs that my insides were like those of a seventies funk band, Catholics are some of the most decadent people on earth sometimes.


You do not have to take this religon seriously in order to have a legalized reverend from our church marry you, to baptize you, or have your sins forgiven. However, just because you perforn the rituals does NOT mean you will be saved on the day when Ed Wood returns. You must all individually strive to be serious enough and take this religion seriously enough to achieve final salvation.


The Church of the Heavenly Wood believes in the idea of an ONTOS, explained in LESSON 1, and we also believe that you should not be feared, guilted, or bullied into believing the narrow beliefs of OTHER religions which preach endlessly about the evils of so many sins. The concept of an ontos is a strong one. It allows the possibility for moral freedom to do whatever it is that you want as long as you are comfortable with it in the context of your relationship with God.


So, therefore, if this is true, then there is no such thing as sin, right?


Yes and no. Sins exist, but they do not harm your entrance into heaven like so many religions claim.


Sin does exist, but it is not the one-sided seven deadly sins that Dante preached that we were all forced to believe in as children. A SIN IS A NEGATIVE FEELING THAT MAKES YOU (or someone else) FEEL UPSET. That is it. No avarice or progidality. No coveting of oxen. If you do something and that makes you feel bad, then you just performed a sin. If you do something, ANYTHING, that makes another person feel bad, then that is also a sin.


However, sins will not send you to hell. Salvation is achieved only through faith. If you have faith in Ed Wood, then you will receive salvation. The only thing Ed Wood wants for us is that we spend our precious time on this earth feeling happy about what we do and what we do to others. So, therefore, sins exist, but they are not important to your entrance into heaven, unless you fall into the category of SUPER SIN, which is a Hiter/Judas/Mark David Chapman person. Sins fill your ontos with negative energy and by confessing your sins and being admonished of them, you are making yourself feel better and making your guilt feel less heavy.


Catholics and Christians do not NEED to go to confession. God forgives everyone, so they don't have to go to a priest to have theis sins erased. However, they go to confession to have their sins forgiven by a priest because human beings have problems with "blind faith." When God forgives, you have no proof, no concrete evidence that you have, in fact, been forgiven. But the priest acts out the role of God and gives you concrete evidence.


So, we believe that the concrete evidence can also be given through a piece of paper.



THE CHURCH OF THE HEAVENLY WOOD, IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH AND THE WISHES OF THE FOUNDING MEMBERS OF THE CHURCH OF THE HEAVENLY WOOD AND THE CHURCH FOUNDER, REVEREND SAINT ALMIGHTY STEVE, IS NOW LEGALLY ABLE TO FORGIVE SINS. AS AN ACCEPTABLE WAY OF FORGIVING THOSE SINS, THE CHURCH OF THE HEAVENLY WOOD IS ADOPTING THE CONCEPT OF ADMINISTERING INDULGENCES FOR THE FORGIVENESS OF SINS. THIS WEB PAGE MARKS THE FIRST EVER INTERNET INDULGENCE DISPENSER!


SIMPLY TYPE IN YOUR NAME (it can be a nickname), E-MAIL (needed for blessing and will not be used against you), AND YOUR SIN ON THE FORM PROVIDED BELOW AND YOU WILL RECIEVE AN INTERNET CERTIFICATE OF INDULGENCE FORGIVING YOUR SIN, SUITABLE FOR FRAIMING, AS WELL AS A MENTAL BLESSING DIRECTLY FROM THE REVEREND ALMIGHTY STEVE WISHING YOU A CLEAN ONTOS.

THE REVEREND HAS PERSONALLY PERFORMED AN ED WOOD RELIGIOUS BLESSING TOWARDS THIS WEB PAGE, THE COMPUTER SCREEN, AND EACH INDULGENCE THAT WILL BE ADMINISTERED ON THIS PAGE!





PLEASE TYPE YOUR NAME HERE
(a nickname is OK, if that makes you feel better):

PLEASE TYPE IN YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS
(this is MANDATORY!!!):

PLEASE WRITE US ABOUT YOUR SIN (or sins) IN THE SPACE PROVIDED:
To receive your indulgence, click on to or to erase your request, press

THIS CONCLUDES LESSONS 1 THROUGH 4!

CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO THE LESSONS OF WOOD