The Neverending Lessons of Wood continue unabated with...
Lesson 19:the First Saints of Wood

Where Reverend Steve and the Board of Woodian Reverends
announce the first list of Holy Woodian Saints!



Written and posted August 24th, 2000 - Updated December 10th, 2003

Greetings, my Woodian brothers and sisters!

This extremely important, highly awaited 19th Lesson of Wood, deals with the important role of Sainthood within The Church of the Heavenly Wood. Now, as you all know, the task of selecting Woodian saints is a very difficult one which required three meetings of the Board of Woodian Reverends, a select handful of legally ordained ministers of Woodism.

These two meetings took place on April 2nd, June 1st and August 18th, all very important days in the Woodian Calendar (for more information on the Woodian calendar, click here). It was here, in these three meetings, that we started the monumental task of slecting these first saints to be cannonized as holy sains in Woodism.

Sainthood within the religion known as Woodism is somewhat different than Sainthood in those other, elitist religions. Idiotic Judeo-Christian logic would tell you that a Saint is a divine person who loved Jesus and through him performed impossible miracles and now is in heaven rubbing God's back and should be looked upon as a perfect being that we all should strive to one day become.

One of the first things that was agreed upon at the meetings of the Board of Woodisn Reverends was that this definition was bullshit. Therefore, Woodism needed its own definition of the term saint.

In Woodian terms, a Saint is a Holy person that, in one way or another, directly or indirectly influenced the creation or development of either the religion know as Woodism, the lives of those whom Woodism was created to worship, or he who first created Woodism.

In layman's terms, a Woodian Saint is a cool ass person who was pro-Wood when Ed Wood was alive or somehow helped with the creation and formation of Woodism.

This definition forced us to create two different categories of Woodism Saints in order to differentiate between those people who knew Ed Wood when he graced this earth and those who know me while I darken the earth. Therefore, the two categories of Woodism Saints appear below, with definitions ...


1) A SAINT OF ED: a Woodian Saint of Ed is one who helped shape the life of Ed Wood. This category is meant for those who knew Ed when he was alive and acted with him in his holy films. However, this category of sainthood is also open to those persons who, although they did now know Ed Wood when he was alive, helped further his name from beyond the grave.


2) A SAINT OF GALINDO: a Woodian Saint of Galindo is a holy saint who helped the life, ideals and creations of Reverend Steve Galindo, the founder of Woodism and The Church of the Heavenly Wood. This is the highest honor that Reverend Steve can bestow upon a person since, not only does it make the person holy, it legally and spiritually ensures the person a guaranteed place in heaven.


So, what follows are the first legal saints of Woodism, legally cannonized here into Woodism on August 24th, 2000. Before they are listed, however, we here at The Church of the Heavenly Wood need to announce a few adendums and other factoids of legal importance. The following must legally be read by anyone who is listed below as an official saint.


DISCLAIMER OF SAINTHOOD
Those persons living who are listed here and anywhere else in Woodism writings as being a saint and have been sanctified by Reverend Steve Galindo or another legally sanctioned Woodian minister must read the following statement in order to validify their sainthood (however, if you are dead, then please stop reading this now seeing as you are dead and cannot read - however, if you do indeed manage to become dead and literate, please continue reading this disclaimer unabated) ... if you have been chosen as a Woodian Saint, then congradulations! You are now legally above the rules of other religions in that you now make your own religious rules as long as A) your rules do not interfere in a dangerous way with someone else's ontos, B) you continue to proclaim Woodism as the greatest religion in the world, and C) you maintain some sort of Woodian piety which includes but is not limited to having an overal sense of yourself which brings you a pride in who you are. Although you are a saint, you are not guaranteed the following: free food, a free car, free beer [this is a tricky one, though, because if another Woodite sees you, a Woodian saint, then that Woodian is REQUIRED to buy you a beer], free movie tickets, free sex, free video store rentals and preferred parking at major events, however, whenever possible, try to convince those people who dispense said items to give you one free as a result of your sainthood. This is a legal Sainthood as legal as the Saints of Christianity and therefore as important. As a saint, you are 100% guaranteed admission into Heaven unless one of the following happens at any time in your lifetime: you beat up someone because they are different, you renounce Ed Wood, you kill someone who didn't deserve to die [killing someone who DID deserve to die, while not condoned by Woodism, will be evaluated by the Board of Woodisn Reverends on a case by case basis], you become a born-again religious godling, you treat your local video store clerk like shit even though he didn't do anything to you, you have sex with a Catholic or Christian priest [nuns, however, are open game], or you enter into the category of SUPER-EVIL with the likes of Charles Manson, Adolph Hitler, Paul Miller of Flagstaff, Arizona and the old guy on "Survivor" that hates all the gays. However, this sainthood does guarantee you fame and a following way, way, way beyond your own mortality. One important item of note - this sainthood is specifically meant to impress drunk people at bars and at nightclubs, especially when you yourself are very drunk, high, excited, horny or just plain tired. It has been bestowed upon you to impress strangers, wow friends, worry family members, give you really strange looks and, from religious godlings, even possible death threats. As a woodian saint, you are REQUIRED to spread the good words of Wood, Woodism, and Reverend Steve Galindo throughout the world. Not spreading the word will NOT revoke your Sainthood but will make you a bad, bad person. Finally and most importantly, as a saint you have the right to mak yourself a PATRON SAINT of whatever the hell you wish and to have people pray to you for help and guidance in conjunction with whatever you make yourself the patron saint of. Simply e-mail Reverend Steve with a list of five or less people, places, activities or things that you with to be a patron saint of, then look back at this web page to see if it has been sanctified.



SAINTS OF ED

Please note that, as the title of this lesson suggests, this is only the "first" saints of Woodism, with more to come in the future. Any ideas of saints who should be cannonized should e-mail ReverendSteve@edwood.org as soon as possible.

SAINT CRISWELL - Ed Wood's best friend and famous television and newspaper psychic who appeared in all of ed's better films. He is the parton saint of confidence, telmarketers, psychics and carnies.

SAINT TOR - a Swedish professional wrestler and Ed Wood thematic mainstay. Tor is the patron saint of professional wrestling, baldness and Swedish people.

SAINT BROOKS - Conrad Brooks, Ed's young and loyal apprentice, who appeared in all his earlier films. He is the parton saint of police officers and B-movies.

SAINT VAMPIRA - a sultry television host who appeared in Ed Wood's "Plan 9 from Outer Space," now vehemently pro-Wood. She is the parton saint of fingernails, tv hosts and waists.

SAINT VALDA - a sexy actress who was only 16 when she appeared in Ed's film "Night of the Ghouls." She is the parton saint of teenagers and blondes.

SAINT DE ZITA - a bookie, pimp, and strip club owner who managed to be convinced to play Satan and Glen's father in Ed's film "Glen or Glenda" at the last second. He is the patron saint of facial hair, hookers, pimps and strip clubs.

SAINT HORSECOCK - Kenny Duncan was once the greated western villian in Hollywood. He was also Ed Wood's best friend and a loudmouth womanizer nicknamed "horsecock." He is the patron saint of one night stands.

SAINT MARCO - another loyal apprentice who parlayed his earlier acting roles with Ed to land a slew of current crappy acting jobs. He is the parton saint of props and loyalty.

SAINT BELA - Bela Lugosi, classic horror movie actor whose career Ed resurrected near the end of his life. He is the patron saint of goths, vampires, double jointed people and Hungarians.

SAINT BURTON - although he did not know Ed personally, Tim Burton's film "Ed Wood" did more for Eddie's life than anyone else who knew him when he was alive. truly, Tim Burton helped ressurect Ed in the minds of the planet. Tim is the patron saint of madness, darkness and bad hair days.

SAINT WEISS - George Weiss, schlock movie producer, gave Ed a chance by backing his classic film "Glen or Glenda". He is the patron saint of movie producers.

SAINTS ALEXANDER AND KARASZEWSKI - film students turned bitter writers of the "Problem Child" series lash out against Hollywood and write the script for their dream movie - "ED WOOD!" These guys are the combined patron saints of film school students and Hollywood outcasts.

SAINT APOSTOLOV - also known as A.C. Stephens, this eccentric director and producer took Ed in when he descended into poverty and aclcaholism. Through him, Ed created his pornographic movies, including "Orgy of the Dead." He is the patron saint of pornographers.

SAINT DEPP - bland Hollywood pretty boy turned ecclectic actor with numerous bold movie roles including the title character in "Ed Wood." He is the parton saint of millionaires and co-stars in bad horror films.



SAINTS OF GALINDO

SAINT DEBBY - actually, the first person ever legally cannonized a saint for her help, effort, support, and for her strong role as a supporter of Woodism. She is the patron saint of ganja, sex, smoking, long hair and big natural volumptuous breasts.

SAINT LOBO - for his tireless efforts to promote Ed Wood's spirit and films in the California area, Eric Lobo, the nationally syndicated host of television's Cinema Insomnia was cannonized a legal Saint of Galindo during the early hours of October 5th, 2003. he is the patron saint of late night movie hosts and insomniacs.

SAINT CALIENDO - the winner of our 1999 sainthood contest for accurately explaining the holy Woodian "of" symbol. The full story of his cannonization lies below the list.

SAINT HERSHMAN - Reverend Tor Hershman is currently the most vehement, most vocal, extreme, loyal follower of Woodism (who, thankfully, seems to be a bit insaine).

SAINT WEGNER - fellow Woodite and childhood friend Reverend Tom Wegner, also known as "The Sexy Guy." He has been there for Woodism and occasionally writes for the web page.

SAINT ALLESANDRO OF ALEXANDER - Michael Alesandro (whose real name is Jason Alexander - he had it changed) is an up-coming movie director who, apart from casting Reverend Steve in one of his films, is a proud Woodite.

SAINT DUDE - Reverend Steve's childhood dog who dies a few days after the creation of Woodiam in 1996. Steve considers his death to be the first ever Woodian sacrafice. Steve's dog died for all the Woodites of the world.

SAINT BEAKEY - the first ever inanimate object to ever be cannonized as a saint, regular followers of Woodism know Mr. Beakey, Reverend Steve's rubber duck who goes everywhere with him.

SAINT TERE - Reverend Steve's edgy, crazed, giddy and spacey mother. I imagine she must be spacey if she gave birth to Reverend Steve!

SAINT KEVIN OF SMITH - this edgy, creative independant filmmaker's work on the film "Dogma" helped Reverend Steve during a rough time in the formation of Woodmas. He is the patron saint of independant films and pop culture references.

SAINT MARY OF SNOW - although a devout Catholic, the late Mary Snow was a champion of Woodism and fought for equal rights on behalf of Woodites everywhere! Her death in early 2000 marked a sad day in Woodism and in Reverend Steve's life. She is the patron saint of mothers and overly nice people.


HERE ENDETH THE LESSON!